David uses his spare time
For dreaming up new styles
He never spends Whit Monday
In the bathroom, grouting tiles

David’s early efforts
Often dwelt on alienation
He never noted Diesels
Or hung out on Reading station

David shaved both eyebrows
And the net effect was arty
He never had just one done
While unconscious at a party

David in his sixth decade
Still has a head of hair on
And not some strands resembling
A barcode printed thereon

David orders goodies
From an oriental teashop
He doesn’t trawl for bargains
In the pound and 50p shop

David dabbled earlier on
With Genet, Brecht and Fassbinder
He didn’t lie on sofas
Drinking “spesh” and watching Minder

David put on make-up
And a dress, in search of glamour
And unlike you, he wasn’t chased
By skinheads with a hammer

David says “Good evening.
Here’s a song of mine from Low”
And never: “Orright, Dog’s Head?
This is one by Status Quo…”

Another thing with David
Is he keeps himself in trim
But the single biggest difference
Is: your wife still fancies him.

© Martin Newell.